“He loves things out in nature, so he will see a bird and just be obsessed with following it and watching it and trying to chase it. It's one of those things that we see all day, every day and we don't really think about, but kids — everything is new to them.”
This is what Fallon Tanguay, a Morden mother of one with another on the way, says about her two-and-a-half-year-old son.
For Tanguay, one of the joys of motherhood is the chance to “see the world through a little person’s eyes.”
“Everything that is so mundane to us is fascinating to them, and it's really cool to introduce all those things to him and just see how he reacts to the world around him,” she says.
Along with the beauty of motherhood, the common cliché also rings true for Tanguay — it’s the hardest job she’ll have, but also the best one.
“I never knew how true that was until I became a mother,” she says. “It is so challenging. It’s day in, day out. There's no time off, and so that can be gruelling sometimes. At the same time, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love every minute of it.”
Although Tanguay’s sentiments about motherhood are timeless and likely relatable to many parents, guardians, and grandparents, the experience of her journey to get to this point — with its waiting, loneliness, and social stigma — is one that is not talked about as much.
For Fallon and Eric Tanguay, the road to parenthood was marked with infertility, a word that has the capacity to strike discomfort into many hearts.
For the about-to-be parents of two, it’s time to change that.
‘We fought for our kids long before they even existed’
In the Tanguays' view, a road to starting a family that involves infertility is one of those topics that people tend to stray from, but it’s important to have open conversations about the reality of it.
For a couple experiencing infertility, while the destination of parenthood is the same as with other families, the journey is quite different, and for some, it’s “exhausting.”
“The thing that I often say to people is that I feel like I am a better mother because of what I've gone through to get here. I think that has really changed my perspective on so many things. It's made me take a lot of things less seriously and just enjoy each moment, each stage .... I really do strongly believe that I am better for it.”
-Fallon Tanguay on how she views motherhood after navigating infertility.
“Once you're a parent, you really have to fight for your kids all the time in life, whether it's out on the playground or in school, ... but I feel like we fought for our kids long before they even existed,” says Tanguay.
“We had to fight that journey through infertility to get to the point of actually having our own child. I think it's kind of unique in the sense that it took a lot of effort and time and waiting to get to where we are today.”
A social stigma and the question of ‘Why me?’
A trying aspect of navigating infertility is what it brings emotionally.
Although starting a family is an emotional experience for everyone, infertility adds to the range of things to feel, especially because it challenges the prevailing view that people can have children whenever they want.
“I think there's a large stigma around it because we all grew up thinking that when you want to have a baby, it's just going to happen quickly and easily,” says Tanguay. “That's kind of what we're taught, and that is just not the reality ... for so many more people than we think.”
“It took a lot of effort and time and waiting to get to where we are today, and I think that shaped how I am as a mother now .... Obviously, I don't have anything to compare to. I don't have the experience of not going through all of that, but I imagine it would feel very different if we hadn't gone through this whole journey.”
-Fallon Tanguay on infertility.
In Tanguay’s experience, the emotions that crop up when one differs from mainstream assumptions can be difficult. Often, they remain secret.
“The emotional side of infertility is, I think, the part that's hidden that people can't really see, and you really don't understand until you're going through it,” she says, adding that for her, questions also inundated her, the most pressing of which being “why me?”
“You want and you hope that you can get to that point where you are able to have children,” she says. “We were very fortunate to experience that.”
Advocating for people who have gone through similar
That infertility is more common than most people realize is Tanguay’s main motivation behind talking about her experiences.
“It was like a weight was lifted off me, and it was like, okay, I can share this burden with other people, and then through that, you all of a sudden find other people that are going through similar things.”
-Fallon Tanguay on sharing her experience of infertility.
Beyond the stigma, Tanguay also identifies that there are other hurdles that abound with fertility, such as a lack of resources in the Pembina Valley (fertility treatments must be accessed in Winnipeg at Heartland Fertility, one of the only resources of its type in the province), financial barriers (in Manitoba, there is often no coverage for fertility treatments), and a lack of local support groups (because the topic is often hidden).
For Tanguay, the silence around the topic and lack of support resulted in feelings of loneliness, and it’s for this reason exactly that she talks about infertility openly.
“My goal is for anyone out there just not to feel alone and not feel like they're undeserving,” she says.
Tanguay’s action is one step down the path of challenging the current circumstances of the matter. Her advice to someone going through a similar experience is to “find a person to talk to,” whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, but to take care that it’s someone who listens and supports, instead of giving the “advice” that could be harmful to people experiencing infertility.
“I think a lot of times there's the whole [idea of] just relax and it'll happen kind of [thing] — that's the advice that people give and as maybe true as that could be for some people, it's not helpful,” she says. “I would say finding someone to talk to that that is going to be a good listener and supporter, that’s huge.”
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Of course, Tanguay also acknowledges that this is easier said than done. For her, it took “quite a long time” to be comfortable enough to reach out, but when she did, it was exceedingly positive.
“It was like a weight was lifted off me and it was like, okay, I can share this burden with other people, and then through that, you all of a sudden find other people that are going through similar things. That's really amazing too, to share that journey with someone who gets it.”
The role of social media for support
Despite the sometimes alienating landscape of the fertility conversation, Tanguay still believes that it has been improving, and she’s hopeful that it will only continue to get better.
One promising avenue through which Tanguay has seen a great deal of support is social media. She has built a circle of like-minded individuals through this means, many of whom say that finding groups and pages on Instagram makes the difference.
Tanguay says that Sarah’s Laughter Infertility Podcast is another resource that she and her community recommend.
“I just want to destigmatize it and just make sure that people know they're not alone and they're not weird if they have to get some help to have a baby.”
-Fallon Tanguay on why she shares her journey with infertility.
The message online, which echoes Tanguay’s, is that no one who navigates infertility is alone. Sometimes, she even shares snippets of her journey herself in the pursuit of helping others and creating conversation.
“When I've shared stuff on social media, I'm like, there are for sure people out there that are going to read this and think, ‘Oh, she's just saying, ‘Poor me. Poor me,’’ because it could come across that way, ... but really it truly isn't that,” she says.
“I just want to destigmatize it and just make sure that people know they're not alone and they're not weird if they have to get some help to have a baby.”
Tanguay says that one useful resource for those who choose fertility treatments to help start or grow their family is the Fertility Treatment Tax Credit, through which 40% of the cost of eligible treatments is covered.
The beauty of a silver lining
It’s clear that going through the world of infertility creates an entire host of feelings and experiences that not everyone encounters, but as with many difficult paths, it’s not without its beauty and wonder.
For Tanguay, motherhood has taken on new meaning because of how hard she had to fight to get it.
“It took a lot of effort and time and waiting to get to where we are today, and I think that shaped how I am as a mother now,” she says. “Obviously, I don't have anything to compare to. I don't have the experience of not going through all of that, but I imagine it would feel very different if we hadn't gone through this whole journey.”
In the end, while infertility is not a route anyone would choose to take, for Tanguay, it’s a part of the experience of being a mother, and now that the clouds have broken, all that’s left is to look to the future with the past in mind.
“I feel like I am a better mother because of what I've gone through to get here. I think that has really changed my perspective on so many things. It's made me take a lot of things less seriously and just enjoy each moment, each stage .... I really do strongly believe that I am better for it,” she says.
For information about infertility support in Canada, click here.