Motherhood means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.
From those who have dreamed of it from as early as they can remember to those who found themselves in the position through a change of heart or one of life's curveballs, the role is rewarding, difficult, surprising, and wonderful.
Put simply, the road of motherhood has many possibilities, and none of them are easy.
For Autumn Dueck of Winkler, mother to three: Orrin (10), Cedar (8), and Jeet (5), motherhood was one of many dreams she developed in life. The experience so far has been more challenging than she could have imagined—but that’s not a bad thing.
“Difficult isn't bad. It can be good, but having kids shows you the best and worst of your character, and to grow and change in the areas you need to can be painful and hard,” she says. “It’s also very valuable and rewarding, so it’s both way better than I could have imagined and far more difficult.”
A unique road to motherhood
For Dueck, something that stands out in her journey as a mother and adds dimension to it is that she and her husband, Eric, decided to adopt.
“Our two oldest boys are our biological kids, and we adopted Jeet two years ago,” she says.
For the Duecks, adoption was on the table for parenthood since the beginning.
“We had visited orphanages and children's homes, and we knew there were lots of kids around the world who didn't have families, so we knew that eventually we wanted adoption to be a part of our story,” she says. “After we had Cedar and he was about a year old, we decided just to take the steps and see what happened.”
Changing course partway through
As the Duecks began their dive into adoption (which took a grand total of five years), the pair made another unique decision.
“Not only did we decide to adopt, but we decided to adopt a kid with a disability, so it has totally, completely changed our life, and it's not a journey that everybody chooses,” says Dueck.
“Initially, we wanted to adopt siblings, and then partway through our adoption journey, ... we just really felt like if we're willing to adopt and to love a child that isn't biologically ours, why wouldn't we be willing to adopt a kid with a disability?”
Dueck says that it was a viable option for the family since their children were getting older and more independent.
“We were like, well, why not? What is really stopping us? I think mostly it was just fear of not knowing what that would look like, but we just talked it over and looked at everything and [said], ‘I think we can do this.’”
The Duecks shared their desire with the adoption agency, and the rest was history — although the process required quite a sequence of steps.
Navigating the world of adoption
Motherhood and parenthood in general involve many decisions, but the adoption process requires them to be made far, far in advance.
“The first thing that we had to do once we decided to adopt was ... decide how we wanted to adopt. In Manitoba, there are three different ways — you can go through foster care, private adoption or international.”
The pair decided on international, so the next step was to pick a country. This was also a big decision.
“Our agency works with a bunch of different countries. They gave us information about each. We had to go through all of that and decide what would work for our family,” she says. “We picked India.”
After that, the family did a home study through which they were approved for adoption, and then it was time for the paperwork.
“We had to go through all the India and Canada adoption guidelines and get all the right paperwork and everything like that,” says Dueck. “Then we waited.”
A heart willing to learn and listen
Beyond the paperwork and waiting period, Dueck also says that there are certain aspects to keep in mind when it comes to adoption that not everyone is aware of.
“Lots of people think it's just, ‘Oh, there are kids waiting for a family, so let's go get them,’ but there's a lot of nuance, and a lot of things to learn when it comes to adoption, especially transracial adoption,” she says.
“We had to learn a lot about Jeet’s culture and his country and all of these things that we didn't know before, so if you're wanting to step into adoption, especially an international adoption, I think that your heart has to be there to love a child and add a child into your family, but you also have to have a heart that's really willing to learn and to listen.”
Dueck says that she and her husband “spent a lot of time” hearing the experiences of adult adoptees and people who had adopted before them to learn as much as possible.
“That way, when Jeet joined our family, we could be the best parents for him, including learning about trauma and all sorts, because there's just a lot that goes into it,” says Dueck.
‘It’s hard to love a child that’s across the world’
Before Dueck began the lengthy adoption process, she didn’t know anything about it. Over its course, however, the love of a parent already began to develop.
“The wait was a lot harder than I anticipated. I thought, because we knew it would take time, that we would be prepared for that, but especially once we had been matched with Jeet, and then it took about a year to travel to India — that year was a really hard wait,” she says.
“It's hard to love a child that's across the world and not get to parent them yet.”
‘He brings the party wherever he goes’
After a long, character-building wait, it has been two years since the family welcomed Jeet.
Although, according to Dueck, the process has required adjustment (adding a three-year-old to a family is an enormous undertaking, after all), it’s been a worthy adventure, to say the least.
“He was nonverbal when he joined our family, and because of that, he was actually very good at nonverbal communication, so even though we didn't speak his first language, he was able to tell us what he needed and what he wanted with facial expressions and gestures and taking our hand and showing us,” she says.
“We actually found that those first few days, communication was a lot easier than we expected.”
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Today, Jeet is only what Dueck can only describe as a “vibe.”
“He brings the party wherever he goes. He's a happy kid. He's super opinionated on a lot of things, so he tells you exactly what he wants and needs. He gets along really well with his brothers,” she says.
“He's busy and curious about everything, and it's been really fun to watch him discover going to a pool and swimming or trying out a bike, and just doing all of these things.”
‘Everything is a season’
Dueck’s advice to those considering having children or adoption, after all her patience, experience, and chance to develop insight as a mother to biological and adopted children, is to take each season as it comes.
“It can feel like you'll be changing diapers forever or trying to get your kid to nap forever or [any] of these things that [make] the days feel very long, but I've just learned from parenting that these things don't really last.
“It's all just a season, so you can feel free to breathe through it, and you can try something else. If what you're trying right now isn't working, you're allowed to change your mind on those things and to give yourself and your kid a lot of grace when things aren't perfect. We're all not perfect, so families just aren't [either],” she says.
With files from Connie Bailey